FOR ARMISTICE/VETERNS' DAY 2012

THE QUEEN'S OWN By Morag McKendrick Pippin Copyright 2002 All rights reserved Thomas regained consciousness blinking sluggishly. His nose hovered scant inches above the rocky earth and an experimental tug confirmed the barbed wire held his kilt fast. He still hung upside down amidst the combating German and British forces. Through the drifting wisps of smoke he surveyed the carpet of carnage surrounding him. Poppies once grew here. Now several fires burned on the battlefield, and bodies.....more bodies than he could count lay at odd angles and so very still. A shower of stinging rock spattered him as a shell exploded only yards distant. He barely flinched. Fear had abandoned him a lifetime ago. It left in its stead only searing shards of pain pulsating from the German bullet lodged in his thigh. He called out, his voice raspy and weak, but no one answered. Was there no one left, then, of the gallant Queen's Own Camerons? Whipped into a Gaelic bloodlust, these Ladies From Hell had heroically charged over the walls of the trenches. Most with naught but a dirk, and accompanied only by the piper's echoing strains of 'Valiant Laddy'. Aye, the brave lads had run headlong into the butchery, kilts swaying and screaming, "Sons of the hounds come here and get flesh!'" And now the hounds had their flesh. The broken remnants of the courageous Queen's Own lay scattered, bloody, and dying on a war scarred foreign field, far from the heather filled glens of their home. Home. Elizabeth. A tear rolled down Thomas' cheek and the scorched earth and bursting bombs receded. His beautiful wife filled his vision, skipping into their sitting room, her gold curls bouncing and brilliant blue eyes sparkling. "Tommy mo cridh, I'm with child! We're to have our verra own bairn!" He'd thrown His Majesty's official letter on the table and swung her in his arms in joy. Now the pleasure faded abruptly and he squeezed his eyes shut against the tears. Would he ever see her again? What would become of his wee unborn bairn? Thomas opened his eyes again, listless. Until he caught sight of Iain. The dusty breeze fluttered Iain's long hair about his ashen face, parting now and then over dull, sightless brown eyes. Had it been only the night before Iain had squatted beside a grudging fire in his tattered kilt, those brown eyes glittering as he held aloft a skinny rat and proclaimed, "Look here, Tommy, lad! We'll eat like bloomin' lords tonight, we will!" Ach, and he'd made a target of himself, looming tall in the barren landscape attempting to unhook Thomas' tartan from the barbed trap. "We'll have you out in a trice Tommy, old man!" he'd declared briskly before his legs were shot from beneath him. Now his blood too, soaked the greedy earth. And just there lay poor wee Charlie, a hollowed out chest his undoing. Thomas stared, oblivious to the rivulets of sweat joining the tears streaming down his face. Charlie was naught but a wee boy –– fourteen at most. So anxious to send the villainous Hun crawling back to the old mad Kaiser, he'd lied claiming he was 17. The army, desperate and dwindling rapidly from disease and German shot, had asked no questions. At last the cannon fire and shelling ceased and Thomas allowed his fog of misery to thin, even as the tortured cries of the fallen rushed to fill the void. Optimism yet blossomed, sending hope tingling down his spine. Which side claimed victory? It didn't matter –– he lived and rescue was imminent. He lived and he was married to the bonniest lass in Glasgow Town! Aye, and a man lay mutilated and dead in an attempt to save him. He must name the bairn Iain, for he knew in his heart the babe a boy. Boots crunched loudly in the lose scree. They were behind him now, and nimble fingers freed his captured tartan. Voices mumbled in irritation, and the sound sent adrenalin soaring in Thomas' veins and blood buzzing hotly in his ears. Rough hands pulled him out of the wire and about face. He clamped his eyes shut, numb with disbelief, and he felt himself falling. Two soldiers yanked him upright. "ACHTUNG!"

Glesga Waddin'

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy. "A've got aw'thin' organised a'readies , the fluers, the Church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the meenister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's braw, you'll look richt smairt in that.

Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white !

HA HA -- A FUNNY!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house..


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

Bucking Frilliant

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger ~

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Kitty Adventures

Sinji and Fergus came stumbling in this am smelling like a still, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to Frat House Row at the U of H Manoa.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We made all the Frat Bros look like wusses because we both out drank them And attracted more gir...ls. All the girls call us the Rumple Minze Bruddahs.'
'Why?'
'Cuz we're so Hot we're 100 Proof!'

Fergus and Sinji both came in soaking wet this morning and dragging a trophy behind them on a bed of thick canvas, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to the North Shore!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We competed in the EDDIE AIKAU Surfing Contest. We won!!
...http://www.surfline.com/surfing-a-to-z/eddie-aikau-biography-and-photos_740/

Sinji came in this morning covered in dirt, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'All the cemetaries on the island.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Kept Oahu safe for the Halloweeners: I hunted and delivered the final death to all the local zombies!

Fergus came in this morning bloody but with his tail held high, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'The darkest, eeriest locations on the island.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Made Oahu safe for the tricker or treaters: I hunted and killed all the local vampires!'

Sinji stumbled in this morning with decidedly glassy eyes, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've, er, been to . . . Maui . . . '
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I went to the, er . . . Super CatNip Farm to bring back treats for the . . Halloweeners.'
...'Um, where is the catnip?'
'I ate it all!'

Fergus came in scruffy and smelly this morning, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to the wharf in Honolulu.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I shopped the fish market for Halloween goodies for the trick or treaters. The special tidbits I chose should be aged to perfection by... Sunday evening - and don't you even THINK of sampling them!

Fergus and Sinji came in quite proud of themselves this morning, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'Trump is in town so we borrowed his private jet.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you with it?'
'We took Uncle Gary and Auntie Vickie home.'

Fergus: 'I piloted the jet to the west coast through a severe thunder and lightening storm successfully.'
Sinji: 'I piloted the jet back to Honolulu. Apparently there were reports of a cat at the controls of a Lear because the Air Force scrambled and flew alongside. When the pilots recognized me they saluted and fell away.

Sinji came in showing his temper this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Africa's east shore.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I hunted and annihilated the Nigerian pirates - but Interpol wouldn't let me eat them!'

Fergus came this am with a long piece of black fur clutched in his mouth, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've traveled through the Hot Tub Time Machine to early 18th century Port Royal.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Edward Teach thought he could force me to walk the plank. I tore his Blackbeard right off him and stuck him with his own cutless!'

Both Fergus and Sinji came in the am quite toffee nosed, so I asked,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to Mt. Olympus to visit the Gods.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We were Deified. We are now known as The Dynofelis Fergus McMouser God and the Smilodon St. John Blue God. You may kneel - after you serve us breakfast!'


Sinji came in this morning windblown, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I visited Mt. Olympus again - where I am truly treated like the God I am.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I rode Pegasus bareback. What a ride!!'

Fergus came in hungover this am, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I took another trip to Mt. Olympus - where I am truly treated like the God I am.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Partied with Dionysus and his handmaidens. No one throws a party like Dionysus. Um, you can skip my breakfast this morning . . .

Fergus came in this am with an important air, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Roswell, New Mexico.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I solved the 63 year old mystery of the aliens. They weren't huminoid, after all. They were highly sophisticated Felines bent on rescuing their Earth cousins from human domination and captivity.'
Um, your breakfast is ready - or would you rather hunt something fresh?
Fergus: You may serve it immediatly. Don't forget to warm it.

Domination and captivity my a**!

Sinji came in this am looking quite proud, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to the Bermuda Triangle.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I solved the ages old mystery of the Bermuda Triangle. It's all about magnetic variations and opposite polarities caused by a species of Marine Felines. No doubt related to the Sophisticated Space Cats Fergus met yesterday.

Both Fergus and Sinji arrived this am with silly grins on their faces, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to SoCal to visit the Playboy Mansion!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We smoked fine cigars and drank the most expensive congnac with The Hef. Then we played with all the Playboy Bunnies!'

Sinji came in on unsteady paws this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been in Honolulu at Zanzibars.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I bought all the girls Screaming Oragasams and Slippery Nipples and the won the Cool Cat Strut Contest!'

Fergus came in wobbly this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to London to visit Stringfellows.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I bought all the girls Panty Droppers and won the Saturday Night Fever Dance Contest!'

Sinji came in bloody this am so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Spain to run with the bulls.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I shredded the matadores to bloody pulps!'

Sinji strutted into your house, his tail held high and a smile on his face. so you asked, 'kitty cat, kitty cat, where have you been?'
'I was in Oklahoma with Uncle Mike'
'Kitty cat kitty cat, what did you there?'
'After the hockey game we went to Hooters for wings and beer'

Fergus strolled in this am thoughtfully, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I took off for Washington State to visit Auntie Ruth.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Auntie Ruth is in hospital so while her furbabies distracted the nurses I slipped in to see her to bless her with my special Fergusdorphins. Then I schnuggled her so they would take effect making her pain disappear.'

Sinji and Fergus came in dishevled and shivering this a.m. so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'The North Pole. It's bloody freezing there!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'Most of Santa's elves are out sick with the flu so we helped him load his sleigh.'

Fergus and Sinji came in this a.m. with icicles hanging in their fur so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'The North Pole and around the world.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'Rudolph and most of the reindeer were sick with the flu so we pulled Santa's sleigh all night!'

LOL CATS!

This is hilarious!!

http://www.shmoop.com/news/2010/09/21/famous-quotes-translated-lolcat/

More Adventures of Smilodon St. John Blue and Dynofelis Fergus McMouser

Fergus came in this morning looking, er, well, high. So I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'"I've been sittin' downtown in a railway station."'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'"I was was one toke over the line . . . "'

Sinji weaved his way in this morning buzzed to the whiskers, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Acapulco with Henry to see the golden keys.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Visited the man who had it growing from the ground. Tasted it, got wasted, and now I can't even see!...
*Henry lyrics http://www.nrpsmusic.com/music/lyrics/henry.html

Fergus sauntered in this am quite degage, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Honolulu to Pearl Ultra Lounge.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'The doorman said 'no cats' so I shredded him to a bloody pulp. Keeping his fate in mind, the bartender kept my premium cocktails co...ming at no charge while I danced the night away with the most beautiful women.'


Sinji came in this am a bit straggly, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been exploring the Klingon Home World.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Worf was so enamored he wanted to keep me. I used Auntie Deb's BatLeth. He's quite likeable so I only wounded him. It was imperative he... know that no one owns cats. Besides, he wouldn't have a made as good a catslave as mama



Sinji came in this am looking a bit scruffy so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to the Northshore to ride the Pipeline.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Tangled with a tiger shark. The shark lost.'

Fergus came in with an air of defiance this morning so I asked him
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been into town to visit your wireless provider.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
I cut service to your cell phone! Papa has been calling every morning when he arrives at work to send you out on er...rands ALL day every day. Sinji and I want our catslave and pillow back.


Sinji came in this am looking quite satisfied, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I prowled Wiakiki in your new ragtop.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I picked up some Hot Kitty!'

Fergus came in this am with his furr fluffed up, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Montana to visit Auntie Deb.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Montana is getting cold already so she needed me to keep her warm. I even raided a chicken coop to bring her dinner. I ate mine... raw but Auntie Deb preferred hers with a light Chardonay cream sauce.

Sinji came in this a.m. out of breath, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have to been?'
'I've been to Oklahoma to visit Uncle Michael.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'We played goalies for the Hoses and crushed the Guns 30 - zip!'