HA HA -- A FUNNY!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment
for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for
a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a
microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it
to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house..


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my
colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6.. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

Bucking Frilliant

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger ~

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks, so dropping her slass glipper. The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Kitty Adventures

Sinji and Fergus came stumbling in this am smelling like a still, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to Frat House Row at the U of H Manoa.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We made all the Frat Bros look like wusses because we both out drank them And attracted more gir...ls. All the girls call us the Rumple Minze Bruddahs.'
'Why?'
'Cuz we're so Hot we're 100 Proof!'

Fergus and Sinji both came in soaking wet this morning and dragging a trophy behind them on a bed of thick canvas, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to the North Shore!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We competed in the EDDIE AIKAU Surfing Contest. We won!!
...http://www.surfline.com/surfing-a-to-z/eddie-aikau-biography-and-photos_740/

Sinji came in this morning covered in dirt, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'All the cemetaries on the island.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Kept Oahu safe for the Halloweeners: I hunted and delivered the final death to all the local zombies!

Fergus came in this morning bloody but with his tail held high, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'The darkest, eeriest locations on the island.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Made Oahu safe for the tricker or treaters: I hunted and killed all the local vampires!'

Sinji stumbled in this morning with decidedly glassy eyes, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've, er, been to . . . Maui . . . '
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I went to the, er . . . Super CatNip Farm to bring back treats for the . . Halloweeners.'
...'Um, where is the catnip?'
'I ate it all!'

Fergus came in scruffy and smelly this morning, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to the wharf in Honolulu.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I shopped the fish market for Halloween goodies for the trick or treaters. The special tidbits I chose should be aged to perfection by... Sunday evening - and don't you even THINK of sampling them!

Fergus and Sinji came in quite proud of themselves this morning, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'Trump is in town so we borrowed his private jet.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you with it?'
'We took Uncle Gary and Auntie Vickie home.'

Fergus: 'I piloted the jet to the west coast through a severe thunder and lightening storm successfully.'
Sinji: 'I piloted the jet back to Honolulu. Apparently there were reports of a cat at the controls of a Lear because the Air Force scrambled and flew alongside. When the pilots recognized me they saluted and fell away.

Sinji came in showing his temper this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Africa's east shore.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I hunted and annihilated the Nigerian pirates - but Interpol wouldn't let me eat them!'

Fergus came this am with a long piece of black fur clutched in his mouth, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've traveled through the Hot Tub Time Machine to early 18th century Port Royal.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Edward Teach thought he could force me to walk the plank. I tore his Blackbeard right off him and stuck him with his own cutless!'

Both Fergus and Sinji came in the am quite toffee nosed, so I asked,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to Mt. Olympus to visit the Gods.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We were Deified. We are now known as The Dynofelis Fergus McMouser God and the Smilodon St. John Blue God. You may kneel - after you serve us breakfast!'


Sinji came in this morning windblown, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I visited Mt. Olympus again - where I am truly treated like the God I am.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I rode Pegasus bareback. What a ride!!'

Fergus came in hungover this am, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I took another trip to Mt. Olympus - where I am truly treated like the God I am.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Partied with Dionysus and his handmaidens. No one throws a party like Dionysus. Um, you can skip my breakfast this morning . . .

Fergus came in this am with an important air, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Roswell, New Mexico.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I solved the 63 year old mystery of the aliens. They weren't huminoid, after all. They were highly sophisticated Felines bent on rescuing their Earth cousins from human domination and captivity.'
Um, your breakfast is ready - or would you rather hunt something fresh?
Fergus: You may serve it immediatly. Don't forget to warm it.

Domination and captivity my a**!

Sinji came in this am looking quite proud, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to the Bermuda Triangle.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I solved the ages old mystery of the Bermuda Triangle. It's all about magnetic variations and opposite polarities caused by a species of Marine Felines. No doubt related to the Sophisticated Space Cats Fergus met yesterday.

Both Fergus and Sinji arrived this am with silly grins on their faces, so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'We've been to SoCal to visit the Playboy Mansion!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'We smoked fine cigars and drank the most expensive congnac with The Hef. Then we played with all the Playboy Bunnies!'

Sinji came in on unsteady paws this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been in Honolulu at Zanzibars.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I bought all the girls Screaming Oragasams and Slippery Nipples and the won the Cool Cat Strut Contest!'

Fergus came in wobbly this morning so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to London to visit Stringfellows.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I bought all the girls Panty Droppers and won the Saturday Night Fever Dance Contest!'

Sinji came in bloody this am so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I've been to Spain to run with the bulls.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'I shredded the matadores to bloody pulps!'

Sinji strutted into your house, his tail held high and a smile on his face. so you asked, 'kitty cat, kitty cat, where have you been?'
'I was in Oklahoma with Uncle Mike'
'Kitty cat kitty cat, what did you there?'
'After the hockey game we went to Hooters for wings and beer'

Fergus strolled in this am thoughtfully, so I asked him,
'Kitty cat, kitty cat where have you been?'
'I took off for Washington State to visit Auntie Ruth.'
'Kitty cat, kitty cat what did you there?'
'Auntie Ruth is in hospital so while her furbabies distracted the nurses I slipped in to see her to bless her with my special Fergusdorphins. Then I schnuggled her so they would take effect making her pain disappear.'

Sinji and Fergus came in dishevled and shivering this a.m. so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'The North Pole. It's bloody freezing there!'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'Most of Santa's elves are out sick with the flu so we helped him load his sleigh.'

Fergus and Sinji came in this a.m. with icicles hanging in their fur so I asked them,
'Kitty cats, kitty cats where have you been?'
'The North Pole and around the world.'
'Kitty cats, kitty cats what did you there?'
'Rudolph and most of the reindeer were sick with the flu so we pulled Santa's sleigh all night!'